Okay, you and I need to have a chat. Despite the one photo of Lindsay trying to elbow her way into yours and Paris's photo moment (hey, maybe Linds just needed a ride, since she's gotten into literally 4 car crashes in the last 18 months) I know that Paris proclaimed that "Firecrotch is no longer welcome". Alrighty.
So why are you trying your damndest to copy her? I know you're still smarting that "Crossroads" didn't get you nominated for that Academy Award or snag you a coveted invite to teach a master class at RADA. And I know you're really, really loving the fact that you finally dee-vorced that wigger sack of shit "rapper" husband of yours. Don't worry about him. I'm sure he'll knock up a German porn star for his next meal ticket. He'll be fine with his nasty Popozao self.
But the fact remains that you had two babies with him. Not just babies, but Irish motherfuckin' twins, born barely a year apart. The baby fat from SPF barely had a chance to melt away before Jayden (or the pop equivalent of Prince Harry) was a wee Federletus percolating in your Starbucks-soaked uterus.
You're a mother now. Now that's not to say to not be sexy of flaunt your bad self, but I think you jumped the gun on believing your own hype. You heard the word "comeback" being bandied about a bit too carelessly and perhaps got a bit breathless after a long two years of being sequestered in Malibu with the sexy Manny and Federline's fat beats and fat blunts.
Patience, Grasshopper.
Your lack of patience led you to procure a hasty polyester weave left over from a pimp and 'ho ball that made the back of your head look like the mangled genitals of the giant monster in "Predator". Not hot.
So what do you decide to do to class up your image now that you're a free woman with a comeback to plot? Well you hang out with the classiest lass around, Paris Hilton!
Bitch, are you out of your goddamn mind? I think if you put her in a lineup with Idi Amin, Pinochet and Dr. Mengele, she still might be one of the first people sent to die by the will of the people.
And you know she thinks you're fat. Oh yes she does.
You DO look better than you did a year or two ago. No question. But darling, you are nowhere near back to the bod you had in the "Toxic" video, the one where you could pick a random body part and bounce quarters off it. Tits included, but that's neither here nor there.
That body was the best thing you had going for you. Let's not try to argue by mentioning masterful Swedish hitmakers or how your voice "matured" and your music "matured" along with it because Pharell worked on your record to pay off Jacob the Jeweler. That shit was straight up Autotuned to within an inch of its life and my cat's asshole could carry a tune better, while taking a shit.
We know you miss the spotlight. For a little girl from a small town in Louisiana to become one of the biggest-selling female pop acts of all time...well, it can't be easy to be washed up at an age when most people your age are just starting to get their lives going.
So I repeat to you the words I spoke to the one they call Firecrotch. STOP FLASHING YOUR DAMN COOTER! At least Lindsay was smart enough to spread it out a bit (pun totally intended) over a few months, but you had something like one cooter flash a day for the last week straight! Vagina's are beautiful and they're all different, but I don't want to be able to trace out your gnarly C-section scar while wondering if your vaginal flora seems a little out of whack and you might be in need of some Monistat. I won't even bother posting pics of this since I'm sure you're aching to remove the images from the recesses of your brain and some of you may be contemplating suing Britney for increased therapy bills, with Paris as a co-defendant.
I asked Lindsay in my recent open letter to her if Audrey Hepburn would allow herself to be photographed with her vajay-jay exposed. I pose a similar question to you.
Would Barbra Streisand have allowed her coochie to be photographed? Actually, there is a longstanding rumor that she was in a grainy porno before she hit it big, so she actually might have.
Ok, would Liza Minelli go around flashing her ladybits? Now that I think about it, that bitch was on so much blow in the 70's that her trips to Studio 54 alone might have caused a premature and embarassing vaginal prolapse.
Debbie Harry was damn sexy, but she...oh wait, she had some early "art photos" when she was young, hot and broke in Playboy.
Alright then! Would MADONNA allow her...oh who the fuck am I kidding with that one?
Go ahead and air it out all you want. Apparently in this case you're in good company.
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